Reflections on a week with no children...

A few weeks ago my in-laws offered to take the boys for a few days so that I could catch up on some rest and prepare for baby Bryan's arrival - i.e. organize and unpack our remaining boxes. Little did I know that they would take them for 9 days. Granted I have been apart from Garrett for a week and Luke for a few days at a time, but 9 days! I knew that I needed the rest and that they would love the grandparent time on the farm, but these have been the longest 7 days I have had in a long time! I have missed them terribly and talk about way too quiet around the house. I'm in no way complaining, for the rest and break from dirty diapers and potty training has been wonderful! :) But it has also given me a fresh perspective on the blessing of our children and how much they shape, teach, and love me. It is easy to forget during long days without adult interaction and the constant cleaning up after two little guys under the age of three just what an incredible gift they are. We have an amazing role in shaping and forming these little people given to our care yet at the same time I never realized how much they shape and form us too. As parents we ask different questions and are forced to face our tendencies toward selfishness through the training of behaviors and attitudes forming in our kiddos' lives. They force me to consider on a regular basis what it means to speak and act like Jesus. They help us grow and change as we encounter our weaknesses mirrored in their attitudes and actions. I have a new heightened awareness of how incredibly precious the teachable moments are throughout our days together. I have a renewed desire to watch more carefully for those moments instead of slipping into the survival mode of just trying to make it through the day. This week has also made me realize again the brevity of life and time. During the process of organizing our home dvds I couldn't believe how quickly they have grown and changed. Time seems to speed up the older I get. People always say that these years will fly by and be gone before you know it, but it is hard to remember sometimes on those long survival days. I think about those who have lost a child to sickness or tragedy and how they can't ever forget the preciousness of each day. I prayed this week would be a time of refreshment and renewal as well as transformation (which often hurts) and I believe ABBA has answered that in reminding me of the gifts around me that I too often take for granted. Lord, remind me daily of the unbelievable gifts you have given me in my children and show me how I can embrace the time I am given with them as moments to learn and share your love. I use the phrase often, "all life is ministry" - I truly want to live that out in my mothering. I pray that somehow these little guys will encounter the amazing transforming love of Jesus in our lives as we constantly wrestle with what it means to live according to the Kingdom if God and not according to the world and culture around us. In one of my phone conversations with Garrett during the week, my 3 year tells me that Luke, his 18 month brother is not listening and that he needs to teach him to listen! :) Oh dear! Lord, teach me to listen....I don't want to miss out on the teachable moments You bring throughout the day! Thank you that you are a patient Father!

Well, so much for weekly updates :)! I think it has been over 11 months or so since I last posted. Without falling into the habit of giving excuses I am going to attempt once again to write every now and then with no unrealistic expectations I so often commit myself to abiding by. This past year has been a continued journey into new depths of freedom. Paul declares we are a "new creation" in Christ and I feel that I am discovering that reality in ways I have never known before, even though I have heard it most of my life. Learning to live in the reality of God's Kingdom and daily participate in His mission is so transformative not to mention thrilling. Encounter Jesus - never be the same. Encounter Jesus in those around you - never be the same. However, Jesus shows up in some of the most surprising places - or not, depending on your perspective. The gospel of Luke proclaims the entrance of the reality of God's Kingdom that turns the world and even the "religious" views of reality and truth upside down and affects every aspect of life and society. I love it! It is to the poor, oppressed, broken, weak that Jesus pronounces his message of hope. Sometimes I'm afraid as American Christians we tend to spiritualize the message of Jesus to the point that we totally miss the fact that he was speaking to economic and physical realities as well as spiritual. I struggle more and more identifying with churches and "Christians" who live almost oblivious to the suffering around them while only focusing on their own comfort or gain - bigger more beautiful buildings are not what we need, rather a people living out the transforming reign of God in their communities, homes, and places of work and participating in the restoration of creation. I struggle with this myself - what does this look like in my daily life as mom, wife, sister, and friend? In what ways am I too sucked in ever so subtly by the consumerism and individualism and success-driven culture around me? What does it mean to take up the cross and follow Jesus? Well....more musings later! Off to some desperately needed sleep after a long day with two very busy boys. Kyle had a 12 hour shift today that turned into more of a 16 hour shift and he is finally home! No work tomorrow! Yippee!

Fear

Sometimes I feel as though I am the only one who deals with this irrational quiet fear that creeps in at the most inconvenient times. Now I realize that fear can be healthy - a motivation to grow and change. I'm not talking about that kind. It is a fear rather that is paralyzing, that inhibits greater dependence on God, growth and the ability to experience all that He has planned. Motherhood is a great way to work through some of this fear. Letting my child explore things that I might be nervous about, like riding the four-wheeler with Daddy around the farm. Fear to let them grow, to let them out of your sight, that they are still breathing as they sleep. Is Luke's kidney going to be alright? Beyond parenting, I must confess I deal daily with personal fears and now that Kyle is all over the nation on rotations, afraid of being alone at night. The beauty of all of this though, is running to the Rock that is Higher. A quote that was shared with me years ago still rings loudly in my heart today, "Faced fears reveal the face of God." Boy, am I clinging to that. And to be honest, some nights fear still takes away sleep. Some nights I know His peace, others are nights of prayer. And yes, that is a blessing too! There are much bigger fears that haunt me though, beyond the scary movie stuff - fear that many in the Christian community are missing the point. Are we really living out the reign and story of God in and through our daily lives? Are we motivated by fear or by love? Can the world see Jesus or do they see Pharisees? I so want to be motivated by love, not driven by fear. I don't know....any thoughts anyone? Does anyone else deal daily with fear? Also, I don't want to fear man, but rather the One who created man. And yet, I have this hunch that when fear creeps in maybe I am not supposed to try to always deal with it on my own, but rather ask for help. I realize more and more that I need others, that God designed it that way so we could learn to grow together. I am learning that it is okay to ask for help and allow others to be blessed too. Crazy ramblings..... Anywho, I do know that His perfect love casts out fear....teach me that truth, O Lord!

The Big Two!

I don't have a good track record so far in posting! My once a month try will hopefully turn into a weekly attempt soon! This little family is continuing to do what it seems to do so well - attempt to pack into a single week as many life changing events as possible. Those who know us would think we couldn't top our graduation on Friday, get married on Saturday, and then move on Sunday so Kyle could start medical school on Monday and then two months later find out we are going to have a baby! :) But we keep trying. It is not quite that crazy right not but still pretty nutty. Kyle just took his second set of Boards (for those who don't know this is a costly exam that has to be passed and passed well in order to continue in med school and one day get into residency) and he will take another this Saturday. I am frantically packing while trying to say goodbyes and of course try to make this move as stress free for the boys as possible. I just have to laugh though...somehow I know it will all come together, but at this point it seems like a far off dream. Garrett's 2nd Birthday was Sunday and he was so cute! I can't believe I have a two year old! He loved blowing out the candles and especially his chocolate cupcake made by his favorite sitter in Dallas and our dear friends preparing for work in Sudan, Libby and Bryan Harrison. Kyle's amazing dad and brother get here Thursday to load the truck and head out Friday with our stuff. We will officially leave the Dallas area whenever Kyle finishes his exam on Saturday and make it as far as we can. For those of you who don't know, we are moving for Kyle's last year of medical school to his small hometown in Tennessee where we will be living in a old farmhouse down from his parents on their farm. (Yeah, this city girl is about to get dropped off in the country!) This 4th move since we were married three years ago was to help with financial pressures (cheaper living than Dallas) and so the the boys and I could be near family while Kyle rotates at potential residency locations. We are excited that he was able to get rotations at four different orthopedic residencies this late in the game. Although that does means he will be gone for over 12 weeks this fall in places like OK City, Detroit, MI, and Columbus, Ohio. I will be understanding in new ways what it means to be a single parent. Thankfully mine is only for a season and I am not working full time. I am honestly dreading our time away from him but also praying it will a time of deepening dependency on our ABBA Father. I have several fears that need to be dealt with and the farm will help in that process. Our God is soooo big - the very Creator and Sustainer of the Universe. Why do I fear? Why do I walk so often in unbelief? (I'll probably unpack that more in a future post). I also look forward to getting to know the amazing Stephens family even more. We have been praying for years now for the Sulphur Well Church where Kyle grew up (Randy, Kyle's dad has been the minister there for over 30 years) and I am looking forward to being a part of this sweet community of faith. I have much to learn...
This is my food in the midst of craziness this week...to the Colossians Paul writes about the supremacy of Christ, the one in whom we have redemption, forgiveness, and hope... "He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross..." (1:15-20) Wow! Speechless!

Dirty Diapers, Dirty Dishes, and Worship?

This morning came too early with another explosive diaper created by hungry 2 month old who woke up every two hours last night followed shortly thereafter by my 23 month old yelling energetically to get out of bed and begin his day with milk and play! Oh, the joys of being of a mother! Life with little ones is an daily adventure of survival so it seems. Other mothers make it look so easy! Yet in the midst of what can seem so overwhelming... endless diapers, dishes, and laundry (not to mention all the other stuff like school), God gifts us with the blessing of these little ones who remind us of how we should be before Him! I'm also learning that these crazy days with crying and spit up, 3-4 changes of clothing, and not being able to finish my sentences are days also filled with opportunities to worship and serve God that are just as significant as if I were fulfilling dreams and things that I deem "significant." I must confess, there are times when I can allow a little jealousy to creep in towards my husband or other women who are pursuing their goals and doing "real" things that impact others lives and contribute to relieving suffering around the world. Yet, this beautiful, amazing, and very, very difficult thing called motherhood is such a significant thing! It is a ministry. It does bring glory to God. I'm slowly learning that when I'm changing diapers and picking up toys, I am also serving the Lord as I simply love on the two boys He has blessed me with. Even if I don't get hardly anything accomplished in a day except loving on these little ones, I am living out God's purposes for my life and bringing Him delight. I'm learning that intimacy with Him can be found in the midst of crying and feedings as I commit my heart to Him and learn to trust Him more and more as my little boys trust and depend on me.

I want this blog to be a way of sharing the struggles and joys found in the gift of motherhood while also exploring ways that mothers can see themselves and inspire the ones in their care that they are a significant part of living out God's mission on this earth. I want to discover creative ways to teach my boys how their everyday lives are a part of a bigger story and help them engage the world around them with God's transforming love. I hope anyone who stumbles across this blog written by a sleep-deprived, surviving mother will share their ideas and lessons of how their faith intersects with being a mommy, wife, sister, daughter, friend, counselor, nurse, minister, and the list goes on. Below is a rule of life or kind of mission statement for this year that I put in the form of a prayer....This is my heart's cry.....

"To know Christ and to make Him known" - Oh, Abba Father that is my prayer throughout my life - that I may know you intimately and that out of your transforming love I would make you known in living all life as ministry to your glory alone. I submit all my own purposes, plans, hopes, and dreams to You. Work out your whole will in my life at any cost. Create in my a clean heart - a heart continually shaped by your transforming love. I desire to live a cruciform life, to know Christ in his sufferings. Give me your heartbeat for the world - may I seek to bring your peace in the midst of pain and injustice. Teach me how to love and lay down my life for those who are considered the least and lowest. I long to be led by the Spirit in the way that I live out each day - in my home, with my husband and children, and in our community - with all those we come in contact with. I purpose to offer my body daily to you and pray that I may be a living sacrifice. Transform my mind - may my thinking be renewed according to You and Your Word. May I daily seek to eat your Word, be consumed by it, and in You alone may I live it out. Bring to my heart daily those I may lift before in you in prayer - teach me to intercede in my communion with you throughout the day. I choose to take moments throughout my day for silence and solitude of heart before you. I desire to hear your voice and abide in You. Lord, teach me what it means to embody your Son in my home, my daily interactions with the world, and within your Body. Give me wisdom to raise my children in Your ways and disciple them according to Your heart. May I seek to know Christ in my marriage and may you be known to my husband through our covenant of love and commitment to one another. May our marriage reflect You. Oh, Creator may we learn to live in accordance with your purposes for all creation, bring reconciliation into our world for you. Teach us what it mean to live out your Kingdom and reign in our lives, in our marriage, in our parenting, in our finances, in our ministries, in our communities, and in the world. You are King of kings, Lord of lords, the Great I Am - as for me and my house we will serve you alone.

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